I considered Blue and Hayley close to me. However, upon reflection of our relationship I realized I had fallen prey to similar tactics of manipulation that my friends had.

The night I had the revelation that things were beyond repair was when I realized I feared disagreeing with them in the same way I feared disagreeing with my parents as a young child.

Whether by intention or not they would often assume control of interactions and enforce their definitions of what was and wasn't a problem. I did not get the worst of it. Absolutely not. But there were still issues.

Very early on in our relationship I established with them in a moment of vulnerability that I have a disorder called "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria" which is an extreme pain or anxiety which I feel in the face of perceived social rejection.

This is something I was diagnosed with by my therapist. It is a facet of my ADHD and depression, which I have been medicated for since I was 15.

I made it very clear to them that I was opening up to them because I trusted them with this information. It was brought up since there was a reasonable amount of playfighting within our group. It's part of the humor and, typically, I'm okay with that.

Despite knowing this, Blue would often force incredibly hurtful jokes upon me, not just in private, but in public settings surrounded by our friends. These jokes were not playfully rude, but instead seemingly belligerent and out of nowhere.

Things like overt challenges to my masculinity and sincere shutdowns with things like insisting I was annoying or unfunny. My problem lies not within the things that they said, but rather in the ways that they handled me asking for certain boundaries.

On several occassions I would try to speak up, saying things like "hey c'mon, let's tone it down," or "wow that really hurt," which were often talked over or, if given the the space to finish, outright ignored. I withdrew from that group weeks ago and never received an apology.

I feel as though their refusal to acknowledge the pain and anxiety which I communicated to them came from a place of sincere disregard for me. I felt as if they didn't take me seriously, despite my investment in our friendship. And that's what hurt the most.

Again, relative to the rest of the cases, mine is a small one, though I feel as though I'd be doing a disservice by not sharing it.

@clown_depot Thanks for being open chase. It takes a lot to expose yourself like this

@clown_depot I really didn't see this coming, but I understand why you're parting ways with them. That sucks

@clown_depot I just replied to Joy with support, and I wish to do so for you too. I'm sorry about all this Chase, but well done for being able to talk about this. You have all my support as I as a fan care a lot about all of your well being. All the love and support chase, please take care 💙

@clown_depot I'm sorry that it's a bit late, but I went through something similar. I think you're one of the people who least deserve that kind of crap. I hope you and the others that were hurt can get some peace out of this, and I wish you the best.

@clown_depot God I am so sorry to hear the stuff you went through, I'm reading through what everyone had to say and it's heartbreaking, I'm supporting you guys and I hope things get better 💙

@clown_depot This makes me incredibly sad to hear, I am so sorry this happened. Your and your group of friends' communities have provided an enormous sense of comfort and relief to me for over a year now, I hope everyone else in the Clownhouse crew is holding up alright.

@clown_depot You didn't deserve that man, we're all proud of you for coming out about this

@clown_depot Sending you all the love, thank you for sharing❤💕

@clown_depot The treatment you described would hurt me so bad.