I don’t think I have anything particularly insightful to say, but it feels like there’s probably some value simply in normalizing men intensely wanting to have families.

I daydream about having kids. I read sappy fiction where people have babies. Sometimes I think I want to be a stay-at-home parent someday when I have kids. Before the pandemic, I’d sometimes babysit for fun.

It’s tempting to think that I’m at the extreme of the “men wanting to have children” distribution. (An ex described me as baby crazy, and there’s some truth to that!) But I think it’s also probably the case that most men who really want to have kids don’t talk about it very much.

So, how unusual is it? Rotkirch 2007 reports that in Finland, ~6% of men in their 20s “often” have a “strong wish” to have a child compared to ~22% of women in the same age group. The ratio reduces as people get older, from ~4x 20-29s to ~1.5x 50-59. https://pdfs.semanticscholar.o...

4x is a large difference, but it isn’t _that_ big a difference. I’d guess there’s a lot of men who really want to have families but don’t talk about it very much.

Even if it isn’t that unusual, intensely wanting to have a family and having it feel far off can be kind of demoralizing and lonely. Here are a few things I try to keep in mind:

(1) Taking a while to have kids is completely normal and expected. The median age for college educated men having a child is 33. I’d bet that for men with research careers it’s even later. https://med.stanford.edu/news/...

(I often emotionally focus on friends and colleagues getting married and having children. It’s easy to miss that they’re generally quite a bit older than me. Also, women often have these events happen at a younger age, so I shouldn't compare.)

(2) I’d much, much rather wait to have kids with the right person. As much as it can feel lonely to wait, having children and then having a relationship not work out seems awful.

(3) I also try to remember that there are advantages to this stage of my life. I can structure my day how I want. I can hyper-focus on research. Under normal circumstances, I can go to a gym or a cafe early in the morning.

(4) Being a parent through COVID seems like it would have been exceptionally challenging. Watching colleagues with kids, I feel very fortunate to have escaped that timing.

Someday I’ll get to have a family, and that will be lovely. But the present is also lovely, and it’s good to keep perspective on that.

A final thought, that’s only tangentially related: I used to feel guilty about wanting to have kids. This post has meant a lot to me: http://www.givinggladly.com/20... If you feel conflicted between wanting to have kids and guilt that it might make you help others less, you might like it.

@ch402 Consider having a look at https://pronatalist.org I’m also excited to be a dad at some point, even if that’s not anytime soon. I honestly daydream about it most days and make life decisions in preparation for it so that I can be the best dad. Like learning to swim when I was 22!

@JacquesThibs "I honestly daydream about it most days and make life decisions in preparation for it so that I can be the best dad" This resonates with me so much! <3

@ch402 Thanks for sharing! I also feel super excited about friends /family who are expecting! I am also on the research track and (longingly) waited quite a bit to start a family and have a little one. He is two years old now 😍. I go this yesterday 😊😊

@vykthur Awww <3

@ch402 my desire to have kids snuck up on me, in that i didnt day dream about it or think much until i started hanging around cousins kids. then it welled up from somewhere deep. unfortunately i went for it with the wrong relationship, but despite all the pain i have no regret

@enjalot Max is adorable. I feel really happy for you, despite the complications. <3 I hope you're doing well!

@ch402 In the meantime, you get to be a Cool Unofficial Uncle to your friends’ kids, also an under-discussed under-valued role!

@lfschiavo Very much! Two of my friends are having their baby this summer, and they live a 20 minute walk from me. I am SO excited to be an honorary uncle!

@ch402 this is great, actually! and, remember, unlike women, the clock is not really ticking for men🤣

@irinarish That's technically true, but if one's likely partners close to them in age, they're basically subject to the same fertility graph modulo convolution by a small Gaussian. Some related thoughts: https://x.com/ch402/status/146...

@ch402 Really appreciated this thread. It hit home. I don't know you, but thank you - Chris.

@galestorm94 You're very welcome. Honestly, this thread has been the most heartwarming experience I've had on twitter -- so grateful for all the kind responses people have had. Very grateful as well. <3

@ch402 This thread reminds me of the recent film Together Together. I think you’ll really enjoy it!

@KerenGu Thanks for the suggestion! (It's been a while, I hope you're doing well!)

@ch402 I knew I wanted to be a dad when I was in high school. By my late twenties, I was prioritizing dates with people that wanted kids soon. Our twins were born three years ago, and I am even happier than I expected :)

@MorgneticField Aww, I'm so happy for you, Morgan! If you feel like sharing, I'd love to hear about some experience you've had with your kids that's brought you joy recently. :)