Cannot believe this - It's full of excrement

Writing these tweets lefthanded because it's all over my damn fingers. This is a massive outrage.

Hope the police turn up soon as I can't wash my hands because it's evidence in a criminal investigation and it's really putting me off my brunch.

I'm so angry.

If anything this reflects well on the club. Some of the smaller teams in our division (the Smeeth St. Marys, the Oxted Villas, the Reigate Heaths etc.) are happy just plodding along. Glorified Sunday league sides. But we're going places. And that inspires jealousy. Sad but true.

Pleased to announce we've now reached 17,000 followers, and of course seventeen is a special number for the club given the year we were formed. In all honesty we wish it had happened in happier circumstances, but it's still a marvellous achievement. Thank you for your support.

Sorry to go on about this but you have to wonder at the mentality here. The colours and consistencies suggest the jiffy bag contained more than one person's stool sample. Were they passing it round like a bowl of Doritos? Were they dropping their trousers in front of each other?

We held an Emergency Club Committee Meeting to discuss the jiffy bag full of turds and decided the following: 1) Sending faeces through the post is bad and should be illegal. 2) If we find the person or persons responsible for this we will issue them with a 3 month stadium ban.

3) We will seek to raise awareness of excrement being sent via Royal Mail by asking celebrities to endorse a campaign, working title #DontSendFaecesThroughThePostalSystem. 4) Moving forward, all future mail will be opened whilst wearing a pair of marigold washing up gloves.

Lots of people getting in touch after only seeing the first tweet and naturally assuming this is a feelgood heartwarming story but we must emphasise this is NOT a feelgood heartwarming story. We're highlighting this one because this man took things TOO far. Please don't do this.

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail I know how you feel.. out on Streatham Common this morning and nearly trod in this… 😡

@MacLeTiss @RoyalMail Sorry but that's not remotely comparable. I stuck my hand right in a jiffy bag full of turds.

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail Postman Shat

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail Wow! Absolutely fantastic that the club's profile has risen so much under my stewardship that even the Christmas temps in sorting offices recognise us based on a few details 💪💪💪💪💪💪

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail Did @RoyalMail ever catch the culprit

@Tim_Media @RoyalMail We've asked multiple times. Apparently they "don't have the same powers as the police" 🙄

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail Now you know how the poor United fans feel looking at the pitch the last few years.

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail Clearly the postmen aren't real fans - you play in Emerald and Aubergine. Time for a swift ban for the postal service I think

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail Sorry lads… that’s just made my day. I’m really sorry it’s happened to you and I can’t imaging how fuming you are, but I’ve just spat my drink all over my desk laughing at that. Whoever did that is an absolute bastard / legend.

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail This is so old it doesn’t have engagement numbers, fair play this is back in the feeds

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail I think we’re looking for someone on a high fibre diet

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail @DeanMissere @Backs80j @Banny1889 read the thread 😭😂

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail ?@koellefornia_1 @jusch21

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail @fleaval u will never guess what's inside

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail From Gary Lineker

@StreathamRovers @StefGotBooted @RoyalMail I sent a letter to Brian, Richmond Park, England from India and it got to him in the 1970s

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail L

@StreathamRovers @visualsatire @RoyalMail @Abdavo

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail @needler_jack @Mattyb12310

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail @grok explain

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail A first even on this app I reckon. Mailing literally shit to yourself for followers

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail Talk about shit posting!!!!

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail @piratesmurf24 @essexLADtb27 @dannywhitz @afcnat @Doobyson

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail @SenorBezzin this is fucking wild man

@StreathamRovers @RoyalMail @ChressyP own up brother