This past season of work was draining for me. From last July to December I was in the darkest place since I stopped working three years ago to take time out. Stopping was a choice, a choice I recognise is an enormous privilege to have. Many have no choice to stop.

This time, when I went through the brunt of the storm in July-December, I kept working because I had to or so I felt in the relatively few moments of clarity back then. Continually stopping becomes a habit and I didn’t want that to continue, even if it was tough.

I remember driving to the DFL Super Cup in August and being in a bad place. My thoughts kept swirling. I felt zero self-worth. I broke down in tears in the car. I drove past the spot last week where that happened and did so again. Just the memory of it shook me.

Point is: here is the video I recorded outside the ground that day. Would you recognise that I was depressed? That I had felt zero self-worth on my way to that game? I don’t think you would.

The difference this time with the previous time I was so low was that I was less keen to share things with people. As the depressive, I didn’t want to be **that guy**.

And yet I knew that it was important to be honest about it to the people closest to me to a certain extent. Or else, I wasn’t going to get better. That also, social interactions were important no matter how much I hated them.

I went to a wedding and just had thoughts in my head the whole day about how I just couldn’t do this anymore. I got through it. I had a mate come round to my place just for him to work, so I could have some company. There was about 1% of me that wanted to see him when he arrived

That guy is one of my best mates. Depressive “me” though was like: “Nope.” During these times, I felt so consumed by everything that whenever I talked to friends, I struggled with normal smalltalk. I would drive conversation to: “How can I stop being depressed?”

I have deliberately said “I” throughout here because while my experience will bear similarities with other people’s experiences, no one’s experience is exactly the same IMO. If you are dealing with someone who is depressed, do not make assumptions.

By that, don’t assume that you know what’s been going wrong for them. You just want give them open questions, give them the space to feel comfortable. And just listen to what they’re saying and respond to that. Be inquisitive but treat every conversation like it’s brand new.

From personal experience: ask them how they’re doing but for example, don’t ask them if they’re doing better. It’s not a terrible question but having answered that question when I was depressed, I always felt a pressure to answer in the affirmative…which is not conducive.

To come back to the big question I kept posing myself - how do I stop being depressed? Try and avoid what I’d do in my head where I’d say: “With one / two really good weeks of being productive, I can fight my way out of this.” Nope.

My answer was therapy, Yoga with Adrienne, seeing friends, talking to friends, continuing to work, watching Fulham, watching the US Office and above all, taking things step-by-step, one day at a time.

A big reason why I fell back into depression a couple of times since 2019 was taking things way too quickly. Thinking that I could think myself better and it wouldn’t come back. Getting better for me was about setting new boundaries + slowly chiselling away at the dark thoughts

Accepting that it is going to be a long, continuous battle is so so so fucking tough. I fell back into depression in part I think because I didn’t accept that. There are benefits to be reaped though if you do. If you’re reading this, having felt something similar, keep going.

I had the best day at work I’ve ever had in April. This was so much fun to work on. And yet, I went up to my hotel room that night and I just bawled my fucking eyes out. I was *so* happy that it just tipped me over the edge about making me think too about how sad I had been.

It’s why I was also crying in that hotel room out of relief. I’ve had to learn that: crying is good. I grew up in a school environment where I was humiliated for it. Depression deprived me of the ability to cry for a lot of the time. I couldn’t feel emotions.

I am happy to say that as of right now, I’m doing ok. The best ok I’ve been doing but I know I still have work to do. As you might have seen last week, I am able to let things out again in a controlled fashion.

I am fortunate to have employers who are understanding and give me the space when I am not there mentally to take the night off. If you are an employer and someone asks you for time off because of their mental health, do the right thing.

If you are struggling, try and find what works for you. Be prepared to take little steps but know that there is light ahead. No matter how dark it seems now. Storms can take a while to blow through but they pass. Marks might be left but embrace them if you can.

If you are helping someone, your job is to be like James in his song Sit Down. “Those who feel the breath of sadness Sit down next to me Those who find they're touched by madness Sit down next to me Those who find themselves ridiculous Sit down next to me” That offer is enough.

To wrap this up: Football Weekly listeners, you are the best. Had so many little messages of support since doing the mental health episodes in the past few years. On a couple of dark days in the winter, they helped push me along, so 🙏.

@archiert1 This thread will help a lot of people Archie. I’ve really enjoyed all your tweets and broadcasts again this season. Hope you have a good summer!

@JohnBennettBBC Thanks John. Time off starts now!

@archiert1 Archie this is such a good thread. Thank you for being open and sharing your experiences. Life can be tough and often difficult to see the other side. Glad you were on the BuLi end of season. All the best

@Stevo_Palms Thanks Steve 🙏

@archiert1 Hi mate- love you on the pod! Just wondered (feel free not to) if meds were helpful and if so whether you could do a thread on your experience. Good luck and appreciate your honesty

@esgpatrice 👋At some point, yes, can do a thread. Brief answer - think it’s preference / situation. I know people too who have gone both ways with it. Personally, has helped but if I hadn’t done the work needed outside of that, it would have been useless.

@archiert1 Keep going mate. Great thread ❤️

@bennettjp Cheers pal. Hope you’re well.

@archiert1 👊

@archiert1 Great thread. Can relate to it.

@archiert1 Thanks for posting this, Archie. You're an inspiration in so many ways.

@archiert1 Top man Archie 👌

@archiert1 ❤️

@archiert1 Hello, my friend, From browsing your Twitter, I can see that you are very talented and influential. You can also use your fan influence to gain wealth in a short time! If you are interested, please get back to me