He tries though. They do sometimes, and that night Sn whispers nonsense in his ear, carry my seed, let's make a baby my love. Wcc claws at his hips to get him deeper, because speaking the words he wants to say hurts him too much.+

Wcc cries, and Sn holds him until he drifts off to sleep. And Sn thinks; Enough. Wcc doesn't want to look at adoption or surrogacy because he says he can't do it, he won't be able to look at the child knowing how much he wanted it to be theirs, growing inside him.+

He says it makes him feel like there's something wrong with him. He doesn't want to be a woman, but he wants this. But enough, Sn thinks. They've been married five years, and dated a couple of years before that, and Sn loves kids but he would have been fine too. Wcc isn't fine.+

The emptiness, the calm and silence in their apartment, their friends turning down dinners because they can't find babysitters, it's all eating Wcc alive. Enough. He puts the papers on the breakfast table, a morning a week later. Wcc refuses to look, and+

when he insists, gets angry, sweeps them away, throws the coffee cup, storms out. Sn lets him throw the tantrum he knew would come. They barely speak for days, but every morning Sn puts the papers on the breakfast table.+

For a terrifying day at the peak of it, Sn thinks Wcc won't come back. He literally packs an overnight bag and doesn't answer his phone. But when he returns late that night and crawls into bed to cry against Sn's chest, Sn feels something change.+

"I don't want a child that's not yours!" Wcc screams at him the next morning, and that's progress, at least communication instead of throwing plates and crying. "So we use mine," Sn says. "I thought you wanted it to be yours." "You're an idiot!" That's progress too.+

"Who is she?" "Do you want to meet her?" They meet the surrogate mother at a busy shopping mall cafe, Wcc refused to go to the agency. Sn has more or less had to dress him, because he was freaking out, and he holds Sn's hand throughout.+

"She's too thin," Wcc decides going home. "We need to get her to eat better. And she'll need a warmer jacket than that. Do you think she would prefer we send money, or go shopping with her?" Sn knows Wcc has issues about weight and +

body autonomy, so he lets him plan out the poor girl's entire life. Wcc talks to her about nutrition, vitamins and food additives, takes her shopping insisting on a jacket, and Sn takes her aside and explains what's going on. She's very understanding, thankfully.+

Eventually Wcc realizes on his own that he's going too far, as Sn knew he would, and forces himself to back down. Only then does Sn bring the papers again and they fill them all in and hand them over, although Wcc still refuses to go inside the agency.+

"We can't afford this," Wcc states the next afternoon, sitting in a sea of papers; rent, tax declarations, receipts. "I've already talked to my manager about picking up extra shifts for six months," Sn informs him. "We buy a lot of unnecessary things."+

The next afternoon he comes home to Wcc having drawn up a budget, and exact plans for how much their lunches can cost. He kisses Wcc and says "I talked to dad today, he and mom were over the moon that we'd decided it'd be mine, you know how they are. They promised to help,+

so can I please keep my hamburgers?" Wcc tells some horrible joke about buying hamburgers with Sn's sperm, and Sn thinks it's been a while since Wcc's laugh squeaked this loud. Some months, and awkward procedures, later, Wcc calls him in shambles, rambling about hospital and+

the girl and the doctors won't tell him anything because it's Sn's child. Sn leaves work feeling like he'll throw up. If this goes wrong Wcc will fall apart and it'll be Sn's fault for insisting they try. It'll be the end of them, he thinks.+

But when he arrives at the hospital he's met by a tired girl in a wheelchair doted on by a happy husband, and Wcc shoves a paper into his hand. Sn stares at the sonogram. This... "It's twins," Wcc says. "Twin girls." For the first time since they started this, Sn cries.+

Nothing was wrong, just some stomach ache and a scare. They talk baby names for weeks and just when they've agreed on something their parents get involved. Sn's life is no longer calm and quiet, and the kids aren't even here yet, and he loves it.+

He did this for Wcc, but holding that sonogram he started wanting it for himself too. She doesn't want them in the room when she's giving birth, opting for a female friend - her parents are out of the picture - so they're pacing in a quiet hospital waiting room for nine hours.+

Wcc is relatively composed, Sn is falling apart. What if something goes wrong, he's so close to finally giving Wcc what he wants! Diapers and birthday cakes, playdates and parks, the first spoken Wcc-dad and Snie-dad, teaching the girls to walk, to bike, to play video games,+

they've prepared the room and cribs, Wcc has painted a big rainbow on the wall. He sees it all fall apart, packing it up, trying to force food into Wcc, explaining to their parents. How Wcc won't be able to look at him without dying inside and Sn was already blessed meeting Wcc,+

his soulmate, he's been greedy, the gods will punish him. He doesn't believe in any gods, but still. All that falls away when they're led to a big window to look at two healthy, beautiful, perfect baby girls wrapped in soft blankets. Wcc cries, which is good, Sn can help him+

instead of freaking out himself. They stand there hugging for forever and no time at all. It's not real until they get to bring them home. Not until they're standing inside their apartment, surrounded by bags and supplies, one daughter each in their arms.+

This is the end of silence and sleep, and he'll have to share Wcc with two little monsters, and they can barely afford two kids. He looks at Wcc smiling and cooing, telling their child about their home, and remembers the day. The look on Wcc's face as he+

touched the fuzzy brown bear sweater, and the pain when he turned away from it. The fights and the tears and the fear. "Welcome home," he tells his daughters, and kisses his lover's head. "Welcome home." //End