f i t .

While this is happening, Peter is losing his sense of self. As he starts to lose all his material connection to being Peter Parker, he starts to wonder "Why am I even bothering being Peter in the first place?" Officially, Spider-Man has actually ruined Peter Parker's life.

We explore the relationship Spider-Man has with Peter Parker through two people who can attest to that identity's importance the most: His brothers from the same genetic sample, the Scarlet-Spiders for Hire, Ben Reilly and Kaine.

They will reach out to Peter, telling him not to give up on himself, because they know what it's like to not be able to call upon that. Spidey doesn't listen. Because the truth is, there isn't much to give up on in the first place.

He has no job, he has no apartment, he has no friends, he has no significant other, and besides May, who he's too ashamed to talk to, he has no family. He's all alone. But there's always one person he can confide in. He feels selfish and awful for it, but he know she's there.

Mary Jane Watson. MJ is having her own transitionary period at the moment. She's left show business. She loved it, but it's gotten too volatile, too stressful, too, too, TOO MUCH! She hates to admit it, but maybe it's all become too much for her.

The stalkers, the cameras, the lights, the stage, it's starting to suffocate her! But without her dream of showbiz, what is she looking for? What does she want? Who is she? In these months of self-discovery, she realizes what it actually is she was finding in showbiz.

The ability to artistically express herself. To be herself. Ironically, in hiding behind characters and fancy dresses and makeup, she was getting more and more in touch with herself.

The self that was subdued in her broken home. The self that had to hide behind a no-care attitude. The self that she only felt like she was being honest with in the presence of one other person.

She starts up her own business. A small fashion boutique where she expresses herself through creative and bombastic designs that hopefully other people will like as well. This only makes Peter more unwilling to reach out to her.

He doesn't want to bring her down anymore. Especially when she's making these big changes. He... He... He doesn't want her to see him like this. Until eventually, he stops having a choice in the matter.

His confrontation with Felicia's mutation is the most heart wrenching and brutal one yet. He's left a complete mess. In his barely conscious mind, he goes to the one person he trusts. Mary Jane. His broken body left at the doorstep of "Jackpot" boutique.

Like every new era of Spider-Man, there needs to be a special suit that you associate with it. For my run, it's a suit I affectionately call the "Loverboy" suit.

I haven't sketched out a design for it (yet), but it's basically a suit designed by MJ that she makes him wear to advertise her boutique. Because that's where they're at in their relationship at the moment.

They subconsciously want to express love for each other, but they're afraid to reach out, and so they hide it behind these selfish, jokey gestures, so they don't have to be vulnerable and get hurt.

Spidey's confrontation with Felicia and her subsequent tearing down of his relationship with her makes him realize that: he's not being emotionally honest. He jerks the people he loves around and hides behind responsibility to avoid being accountable to them.

So him and MJ have a talk. A long, awful talk, in the middle of the night, as the moonlight shines through the blinds of her closed boutique and hits him and her as they lie on the cold, ceramic tiles... "Why do we never work out?"

He loves her more than anything. She loves him more than anything. But there's always something in the way. Is it Spider-Man? It can't be. She understands why he does it. He has a responsibility! He can't give it up. Peter solemnly looks away from her at the mention of it.

But sometimes it makes her so angry and she doesn't know why. He tells her that he doesn't need to justify it, he understands. But she corrects him: "It's not that I'm angry that you're doing it. It's just that sometimes I feel like I don't know who you are. That nobody does."

When he's always trying to do the right thing, to do the responsible thing, where do the responsibilities end and Peter Parker's dreams and desires start? She doesn't know and when she asks Peter, all he can say is... "I don't know."

That's where this next confrontation starts. A very important one as it marks the big shift in the story and in Peter's character. One that will change him forever. This mysterious force that's been mutating his foes is no longer limiting himself to those that are alive.

Emerging from his grave, filled with manufactured hate, a decaying corpse that keeps getting pulled out of his rest... A Decay-Goblin. Harry Osborn. The puppetmaster has finally been reduced to just another puppet.

Unlike the other mutated monsters, he seems to be completely conscious, but altered. He's not on a random destruction streak, he immediately guns for Peter and they lock into the most brutal battle they've ever had. Broken arms, legs, noses, it's a bloody awful fight.

The entire time, Harry is interrogating Peter. Asking him why he does it. Why does he abandon all his friends, his family, to go out and swing across buildings and save the day? "Because I have a responsibility--" Harry beats him into the ground. He's lying.

Peter keeps getting pummeled into the ground as he desperately holds on to that rationale... "It's my responsibility!" He can barely squeal it out from the pools of blood in his mouth.

Harry insists that he be honest. That it would be far easier that way. Harry's not going to hurt anyone if he doesn't. He's not going to tell anyone either. No one's going to die or be dragged into their blood feud anymore.

It's just them. Two friends. And he can trust him, as Harry drags his head through cement. Peter finally breaks and he finally tells Harry the reason he is Spider-Man.

"Because I love it! I love it. I do it because I love doing it. I do it because I want to. But if I want to, that means... Everybody I've hurt... Everybody that's died... It's all because of something I... I wanted."

Harry smiles, satisfied with the answer. He fades into the wind leaving with one final "Gotcha." Peter is finally, completely broken. His final barrier, the one thing protecting him from self-reflection, his sense of responsibility, has been torn away from him.

Spidey finally makes his choice. If Spider-Man is something he loves doing to an extent that he'll let the important people in his life suffer for it, why is he even bothering with being Peter Parker? From this point on, he's Spider-Man full time. Peter Parker No More.

The next few issues are this faux-happy go lucky issues of episodic action, like he's actively trying to trick himself that this is the right thing to do. Yet in these episodic issues, there is one serialized element: he seems to be going through spells of excruciating pain.

This is purposely harkening back to "THE SPIDER," by accentuating the differences. Peter doesn't live in denial of Peter Parker, it's not a state of psychosis. It's a rational decision. An active one. And he decides to go tell Mary Jane about it.

MJ tries to talk him out of it, but he tells her what happened with Harry. This is him being true to himself. No longer splitting himself between two flood of responsibilities that he can't handle. She wanted to know where Peter's desires and dreams start? Here it is.

If Peter needs money, he'll go to the Avengers and get salaried. Someone will throw him a bone, probably. He's a full-time superhero now, there's nothing stopping him from committing to teams. MJ is disappointed, but understands. She says she's happy for him.

But she reminds him: what about May? Are you just going to disappear and not tell her where you've gone? Peter realizes what he has to do. After months of not even speaking to her, he knocks on her door.

May is ecstatic, worried, and she immediately coddles him. She's remarks that he's skinnier, his hair is shaggier. (Artistic tangent here: for this whole run so far, Peter's design is meant to look like his Ditko-self. Skinny, lanky, nerdy, but with messier hair)

It's like the warm embers of nostalgia are tickling his whole body, coaxing him to lose himself in the comfort of the past. But he can't do that now. He has to be honest with May.

In between barely kept tears, he tells May that he hasn't been okay, but he's finally found a way out. He's going to be gone for a while, but he tells her to not be worried. He's okay. That she can see him in the newspaper, on TV, that... He's around.

May asks him what it is that he's going to be doing now. Peter takes a deep breath and shows her his Spider-Man suit underneath his clothes. He tells her he's Spider-Man. But this isn't like The Conversation or #400, this isn't this big triumphant moment of honesty...

It's a sad whimper, a sign that Peter has completely given up on the life that May and Ben tried to give him. It's a tragedy. May is left struck by shock, her mouth agape.

And this is where we call back on an old continuity quirk. After BND, what would happen is that if Peter ever revealed his identity to someone who knew it before the spell, all their memories would come rushing back all at once.