it's very easy to villianize people who seem to dismiss people's needs but often that comes from a past experience of being needed way too much, drained to exhaustion, guilt tripped to shredd

what i've noticed is that different people just prefer different amounts of codependency in relationships. as long as you're on the same page, it works.

of course, like with all things the more extreme you are (on either side of the spectrum!) the less likely you'll find someone you can be with sustainably adaption/evolution is simply a price you have to pay for widespread compatibility

it's really....hard when your vulnerability is despicable to the person you love, rather than endearing but honestly? that's kind of the natural reaction when someone is weak in a way you just can't relate to AT ALL

like you don't get jealous, jealousy seems pathetic but if you DO get jealous it feels GOOD to be with someone who gets jealous too. it's a proof of attachment that you understand. in fact LACK of jealousy feels invalidating

my point is: maybe "attachment issues" are a function of the RELATIONSHIP, not of the person

thought about this a little more and realized: i have firsthand seen people be avoidant with one partner and then anxious with another one conviction level for "attachment issues exist in relationships not in humans" is rising

so if it's not inherent, why are some people always anxious and others always avoidant? the reason why some people consistently end up anxiously attached to someone who's unavailable and and others always end up with someone who's too clingy is.....revealed preference. they

anxious people like being anxious, bc the upside of being anxious is obsession. avoidant people like being avoidant bc the upside of that is power/ constant upper hand

thinking about a girl i know who has, in the past, left guys who were devoted to her to keep going back to cling tearfully to extremely avoidant bf the things she says she wants (loyalty, fidelity, for her bf to actually, you know, act like he likes her) she could get easily,

so maybe the solution to attachment issues isn't to ruminate about your childhood but rather to confront your true desires and redirect them into something healthier. learn to like broccoli and not doritos

secure attachment, you know, is honestly more boring than anxious attachment and makes you feel less powerful than being avoidant @VividVoid_ once wrote ("the basic flavor of sanity is disappointment") i quote that and tag him like once a week, he's a patient man

@VividVoid_ i've had to go through this...emotional readjustment with other things, with this too! and the breakthrough always came from the same place: realizing this self-sabetogey tendency was fun for me and that was why i kept indulging it. https://x.com/divya_venn/statu...

@VividVoid_ even this! second and third were much less healthy, not sustainable at all compared to what i have now but they were more exciting. fucking ask anyone, limerence is way more absorbing than love https://x.com/divya_venn/statu...

@VividVoid_ another thread about a shitty thing i was fully self-imposing bc i kinda liked it https://x.com/divya_venn/statu...

you know why it's so hard to change what u chase? it feels uncomfortable. that's it, but that's more than enough 9 times out of ten people would rather endure a lot of pain instead of existing in a way they're not used to

for example, i was never *afraid* of acting weak. it wasn't painful or alarming. i just thought it was dumb, felt like a competent adult individual putting on a diaper and acting like baby.

and i had to ape neediness for a while, it felt weird every time, until it didn't feel as weird even smth as simple as saying "no, please stay!" if he moved to get up and i felt like i'd like to cuddle for longer

and you know, that gave him permission to not repress his attachment, to show that he needed me, and we, as a couple, moved closer 2 secure attachment

to be clear this works because we both absolutely despite weakness and codependency mostly the same amount. but i hated it a *bit* more than him and until i moved myself closer to where he was it did cause a little friction some gaps are too big to bridge tho

If you guys don’t get why anxious attachment is fun, it’s like the parable of the prodigal son “Winning” someone’s validation is more of a high than always having it. And it’s easier to value a thing if you’re always afraid of losing it

If you don’t proactively intentionally practice gratitude, you take shit for granted and start to become bored and dissatisfied w your blessings This is how people who repeatedly chase anxious attachment experience secure attachment. Just meh

like gambling. Intermittent rewards = dopamine dopamine dopamine 🤑🤑🤑🤑 Consistent rewards = 🙂🙃😐🥱😒😤

When you talk to someone who always ends up in avoidantly attached relationships, it’s always like “Yeah we’re fine. She gets super needy sometimes and we fight when that happens.” I almost always notice a smug undertone when referencing their partner’s neediness. Toxic

U can’t fix someone who secretly likes the drama. You try to meet them where they’re at, they subtly move the goalposts to maintain the dynamic they’re hooked on

Idk how to differentiate someone who’s addicted to the tension vs someone who actually wants to have their needs met + meet your needs One thing I did notice: my current bf never went on about how his exes made him feel, just how they weren’t aligned and what he ideally wanted

https://x.com/divya_venn/statu...