Elissa 🥮 | yiling laozu apologist

today's thought is omega wwx defying the odds and becoming a imperial physician—a position usually reserved for betas and alphas.

so imagine his stress when he's tasked with caring for emperor lwj's concubines and maximizing the chances of an heir.

wwx is fully aware that he's given the task because others want to see him fail. well, he's not going to! yes, fertility is a tricky issue, but so long as there's a chance, anything is possible.

he does so many tests and brews so many new medicines—all with little effect. the concubines are in good health (albeit a bit frantic with the race to conceive first), so nothing really should be hindering the process.

wwx suspects something is up with the emperor.

but the moment he even *hints* that mayhaps the problem lies with the emperor, wwx gets scolded to high heaven. how dare he insinuate that the emperor has issues! doesn't he realize that he could be executed for even considering it?

it also doesn't help that lwj has his own small circle of personal physicians who, for both safety and status reasons, will Not let anyone close to the emperor.

wwx is at his wit's end. he has put these poor concubines on every kind of bitter fertility medicine, with no results.

the issue Must lie with the emperor. wwx needs to personally check on him. but wwx can't get close to him.

soooo obviously the solution is to secretly switch spots with a concubine in the carriage that brings the emperor's choice of nightly companion to his palace.

obviously lwj doesn't appreciate finding a complete stranger in his bed. he reaches to draw bichen, but not before wwx is like, "Helloooo Your Majesty, don't mind me, just gonna do some tests…" and shoves a wooden stick in his mouth to check his health 😭😭

lwj's fighting for his life against this stranger and wwx just keeps going, "Stop moving, stop moviiiiiing shhhh I'm a doctor, just gotta check one more thing…" and subjects lwj to an entire litany of physical checkups.

by the time lwj kicks wwx out, wwx only has more questions. from whatever tests he managed to squeeze out of lwj, lwj seems fine. if anything, he seems healthier than most. why would he have trouble putting heirs in his concubines?

more tests are needed—and, ideally, samples.

wwx has a bit of an unconventional (and sketchy, tbh) background. he doesn't rely only on pulse-reading for health diagnosis. he has an unusually thorough knowledge of anatomy (from his time in yiling after being kicked out by madam yu *cough*) and built a microscope for himself.

usually, someone of his background (and an omega, no less) has no chance of becoming a recognized physician—much less an imperial physician. but wwx is nothing if not determined, and his patients (no matter how unwilling they originally are) cannot deny his efficacy.

obviously the emperor ends up asking around on who the intruder is. the other imperial physicians are eager to rat wwx out in hopes that lwj will severely punish him for trespassing.

instead, lwj asks wwx what he does and what it is that he wants.

wwx explains that he's in charge of ensuring the birth of an heir. lwj asks what wwx was doing in *his* room when he's supposed to be working with the concubines.

"Oh, I was just checking up on you," wwx grins. "Gotta make sure your imperial body is healthy too."

"You could have asked my physicians," lwj replies, unimpressed.

"I know." wwx kicks at a pebble. "But I was sort of hoping for some… samples?"

"Samples," lwj deadpans.

"You know… blood, hair, urine…" he waves his hand. "Could I cut a chunk out of you?"

lwj's personal physicians are so outraged that they nearly faint. harming the emperor is a crime that demands the deaths of three generations of a family. and this upstart dares to ask for—for blood! and for a 'chunk' to be cut out from the emperor!!

lwj predictably orders wwx fined a year's pay and confined to the imperial hospital to copy his elders' works a hundred times.

as wwx copies, lwj does some investigation and hears about the good that wwx has done—along with rumors of his shady past.

some claim that he plundered graves and ate human flesh to gain the knowledge he now has. others say that he used to be a worker at a brothel and that that is why he has such a high success rate treating omegas and children.

but amidst all the rumors, there is one connecting truth: that he is a good doctor, and he tries his best to heal his patients or ease their suffering.

lwj lifts wwx's punishment and summons wwx to his rooms.

"You said you needed samples?" he asks.

"Yes." wwx tries his best not to look too eager and fails.

"Samples," lwj says, "like blood and hair?"

"Among other things," wwx says. "But it would be a good start."

lwj nods, draws a knife, and neatly cuts into his forearm. blood drips into a small bowl.

before wwx can say anything else, lwj plucks a few strands from his own head and folds the hair into a clean napkin.

"Go," lwj orders, handing the napkin and the bowl to wwx.

wwx nearly forgets to bow in his eagerness to take the blood and hair.

his joy at obtaining imperial samples quickly turns into confusion. under inspection, nothing is wrong with lwj. his blood looks fine. his hair looks fine. lwj's simple diet has saved him from the many ailments that afflict the affluent of society.

more samples are needed.

lwj is Not pleased when wwx tells him as such.

"You say I am in good health," he argues. "Must you examine more?"

"You are healthy Your concubines are healthy. The issue must be more specific," wwx says. "I think maybe a sample from the… source, might be best."

lwj freezes. stares at him. "Source?"

wwx nods, completely unfazed. "Perhaps you are infertile, Your Majesty."

lwj's ears go so red that they look like they might catch on fire. "I am not."

"There's no shame in that," wwx says. "Sometimes it's just how things are."

"I am not," lwj says between clenched teeth, "infertile."

wwx shrugs. "We don't know for sure unless I can get a sample."

lwj glares silently down at him. wwx blinks expectantly up at him.

"Fine," lwj finally says after a very long time. he sounds defeated.

"Excellent." wwx claps his hands together. "I'll be right back."

when he returns, he holds a cylindrical device. lwj eyes it with open distrust.

"Here you go." wwx plops the device unceremoniously in lwj's hand. "Now go and just… imagine your favorite concubine."

lwj holds the device at arm's length. he doesn't budge.

"Hopefully you don't need instruction on how to use it?" wwx asks.

"I have never seen such an…" lwj slowly places the device down on a table, "… artifact."

"I modeled it after what they use for horses," wwx says.

"You what," lwj says.

"You know, horses," wwx says with zero trace of shame. "Like if you have a stallion that wins you many races or is courageous in battle and you'd like many foals out of him…"

"I'm not a stallion," lwj snaps.

wwx shrugs doubtfully. "I mean, you kinda…"

lwj turns fully red. but before he can order wwx to get out, wwx raises his hands appealingly.

"Okay, okay. This subject apologizes. This subject is sorry." wwx shuffles closer. "We'll just, uh, we'll just try the old-fashioned way."

lwj's face stays red. "Clarify."

wwx holds out a small bowl. "Just, uh, spill in there," he says. "Simple enough."

lwj looks at the bowl as if it came to life and shouted insults at him.

"It's this or the first method, I'm afraid," wwx says.

with much reluctance, lwj takes the bowl.

wwx excuses himself to one of the outer rooms and begins to wait. typically, this shouldn't take long.

seconds, then minutes crawl by. then an hour. still, the emperor doesn't reappear.

perhaps he fell asleep? wwx decides to go take a peek.

the moment wwx opens the door a crack, the emperor flinches as if slapped.

"What are you doing?!" he snaps, hurriedly rearranging his long robes. "Get out!"

"Sorry!" wwx turns his head away, eyes squeezed shut. "I thought maybe you fell asleep, or—"

"GET OUT," lwj orders.