Ideas and stuff

Chuuya and Verlaine first meeting after Stormbringer 

a🧵 fic

He had just arrived from an overseas mission.

He had been out of the country for three months.

It wasn't exactly a complicated mission but it was certainly a long one.

Usually, the Boss never sent Chuuya abroad, for some unknown reason - but Chuuya was no one to question

his Boss' orders.

He was only meant to follow these orders, without saying anything - plus, Chuuya knew that Mori had the organization's best interests at heart.

So simply he bowed and left Yokohama the next day.

It had been a completely new environment since Chuuya was

not meant to kill, punch or fight against no one - boring but eventually he knew it was necessary.

He was being a diplomat and representing the Port Mafia - this was what his partner had told him, before he had left.

This happened between alcohol, few laughs and insults.

But Dazai's opinion on that order was clear.

"Ugh who am I going to annoy if Chuuya is not here?"

It was his way to say that he would miss Chuuya, not that Chuuya had noticed it - he was way too drunk by that time.

So, he answered 

"Go bother someone else then."

"Buahhh, that's so rude!" Dazai whined as usual "I hope Chuuya dies there, so I will never have to see his face."

Chuuya was probably too drunk to answer something back, after this everything was a blur.

He didn't remember anything about that night.

Those were his thoughts when he returned to the Mafia building with the report about his mission.

As he walked down the hall, towards the boss' office, he thought about what would be Mori's reaction.

Chuuya had learnt quite a lot during those months, specially when the country

he had been in, was France.

He had a whole planned and written report about it and he was in a good mood because of it.

He was certain he would be promoted to executive after this.

And the best part?

He would finally read the documents about his past.

He stopped in

the door that gave the access to Mori's office - two confidant knocks.

"You may enter" the soft voice echoed - as always it was.

Chuuya opened the door and stepped in, bowing respectfully as he usually did - the documents were on his hand.

"Welcome back Chuuya-kun." Mori said

with his elbows pressed against the table and his fingers wrapped against each other; a slow smile appeared on his lips "I hope you have good news for me."

Chuuya raised his head as his expression went rigid and serious. 

After some time, he nodded.

"Boss" he bowed once again

but this time it was just a slight headbow "I have the report here" he lifted a bit the papers.

Mori didn't reacted as his eyes sharply hoovered over his subordinate.

He didn't say anything for a while.

"Oh well! You may leave them here" he nodded towards the desk as Chuuya

walked firmly towards it, putting the reports there in a gentle move; Mori watched it with a thoughtful expression "I think you know what comes after don't you Chuuya-kun?"

Chuuya looked at Mori with an emotionless expression.

Mori continued.

"As the leader of this

organization, I am forced to admit that you've become an important asset to the Mafia." his tone sounded exactly like a lullaby - if one ever slept one might never wake up; Mori smiled a little more openly and genuinely "But before anything I need to discuss it with the other

executives, as you may have calculated" he gestured into the air - slow and fluid movements.

Chuuya's expression didn't change - he said nothing for a moment.

"I understand it, Boss"

Mori smiled.

"I am certain everyone will agree with it, but... ahhh you know how the

bureaucracy around here is, right?"

The answer was silent but it was there - written all over Chuuya's stormy and lively eyes.

The man gazed at the other for a while, seeming to irradiate with expectatives that he wanted to see if they were true.

It didn't make Chuuya very

nervous.

After a while, straightening his posture, Mori gestured towards the door with his typical neutral expression.

"If there isn't anything you think I should be aware of, you are dismissed" 

A bow and Chuuya left - unaware of Mori's slow and mysterious smile that

appeared as soon he had turned his heels to leave.

In fact, the agreement between the executives was quickly obtained.

Everyone knew that Chuuya had been someone essential to the Mafia - he and Dazai Osamu, but that was another story.

Normally a promotion was just a piece of

paper, but for some reason Mori decided to give Chuuya something else.

Well, actually it was two... no three things.

Two of them were surprisingly pleasant and Chuuya benefited from one of them.

The third one was given to him, in the worst time possible.

It had happened

just after Chuuya had accessed the documents about his past.

Those pages were possibly the worst thing Chuuya had ever laid his eyes on.

It was perturbating, but not surprised - Dazai once had told him about it, as an act of forgiveness for some stupid and precipitated

action his partner had made.

Speaking about Dazai...

Where was him?

Kouyou entered the room bringing in the mafia elegance and a certain pleasant smell - her perfume.

Light steps echoed around him as Kouyou rested a hand on his shoulder.

"Congratulations lad" she greeted

, her voice was calm and elegant like a violin solo.

Then she quickly - but elegantly - retracted her hand from her pupil's shoulder as she walked towards an empty seat on the table.

Chuuya looked towards her with a respectful expression.

"Ane-san. Thank you." he nodded.

She smiled a bit and then sighed.

"I heard the boss has been thinking about giving you something special."

Chuuya's heart was heavy and his mind was spinning around from reading such hedious reports.

"Is that so." he said with no enthusiasm; he paused and then looked at her

"Was everyone in agreement with my promotion?"

Kouyou lifted a hand up to her pink mouth, seemingly being thoughtful. 

"If I remember correctly... yes everyone was in agreement with your promotion." she smiled - almost a fraternal proud smile "I expected no less of you lad"

Chuuya reciprocated  the smile but then he stopped.

Something was not making sense here.
Because, he remembered what Dazai had told him when he became an executive.

"Well, being an executive has its perks, you know? I can always vote against Chuuya's promotion!"

Although it had been a joke, Chuuya - more than anyone - knew how far Dazai would go just to annoy him.

Chuuya was certain that Dazai would vote against his promotion, just to annoy him and not because he was against it.

After all, he was the one who gave him clues about those

awful documents.

He made Chuuya's pain a little more bearable and that was something that Chuuya was thankful for - not that he would ever say it to Dazai.

So, there was no way that Dazai had voted for his promotion.

But just to clarify his doubt, he asked Kouyou for

information.

"What about Dazai?" Chuuya asked and Kouyou narrowed her eyes " Did that bastard vote for my promotion?"

"Dazai?" she asked "Oh Dazai was not there to vote, so don't worry" Kouyou smiled.

That caught Chuuya off guard.

He wasn't in the mafia?

How was that

even possible?

Dazai didn't make overseas missions, because he was the Boss' right hand.

So why was he not in the meeting?

"Did that bastard skip the meeting?" Chuuya found himself wondering out loud.

Kouyou looked at him for a while, with a cautious expression.

Then she sighed.

"In a way yes." she said quietly; Chuuya narrowed his eyes.

"What?" he let out an incredulous laugh "Did that bastard skip his obligations, again?" he half-smiled a bit amused - as his partner he was more than used to Dazai's irresponsible and indifferent

behavior.

But still, Chuuya couldn't believe the guy's attitude - the disrespect.

Kouyou stared at him with a doubtful expression - she was looking at him as if Chuuya was having a strange behavior.

Inclusively, she even frowned with questions behind her eyes.

But then her face became increasingly more understanding and almost... apprehensive.

That was what surprised Chuuya - he waited a bit anxiously for her answer.

Then, it arrived.

"Chuuya, lad..." she sighed softly, closing her eyes with almost a sad expression "Dazai-kun...

"Chuuya looked at her with expecting and curious eyes; it seemed to worsen Kouyou's struggle to talk about the matter "Dazai-kun... is not in the mafia ... anymore"

Each word and each interval between them, felt like a slap. 
Leave it to Kouyou to make everything emotional

with her incredible silk voice.

Time stopped and so did Chuuya's mind - he wasn't able to answer it.

So, Kouyou explained to him.

"Yesterday he was declared a traitor." she informed and then paused, to give Chuuya some time to process the information; she added "He is not

in the mafia anymore, that's why he was not part of this meeting"

He couldn't quite explain what he was feeling at that moment.

He felt something similar to emptiness, similar to the collapse of the wall that was being built, something similar to... pain.

He hadn't felt like

this in a long time - but it was a familiar sensation, he could recognize the sword that crossed his own heart anytime.

Kouyou didn't speak anymore - probably in respect - and she gave Chuuya the intention of wanting to leave.

But before it, he spoke for the first time 

"Oh.

Is that so?" his voice was not trembling or anything; his heart was emptier than he had remembered "I wonder why I was not informed of."

Kouyou sighed in concordance.

"The Boss thought it would be something that would trouble your performance so he didn't tell you" she said.

The next words were not thought nor planned.

They just flew out of his lips, like it was normal.

"Then, the Boss was wrong," he said firmly, making Kouyou widen her eyes "the fact that Dazai is not here anymore, doesn't make things any different." he said "I'll be the same

as I always had been" Chuuya declared and Kouyou looked surprised for a while; then she glared at him trying to find - perhaps - a lie or an act - but there were none.

Therefore, Kouyou, visibly relieved, raised her eyebrows.

"I see then. I am glad you are not letting your

emotions take control of your obligations" she was being genuine.

Once more, Chuuya didn't think before speaking.

"Why would I even care about Dazai leaving? He is nothing to me, he was my partner but from the moment he betrayed this organization" he tried to control his anger

"he has lost that privilege and he is no longer part of my life."

Despite his notable emotional control, Kouyou noticed how he stood up and pushed the chair - noisingly.

She smiled understanding the situation - but she didn't said nothing about it.

"I have better things to

do than to worry about traitors" he said and bowed his head "If you excuse me Ane-san, I have something to do."

Kouyou smiled.

"Of course lad, I look forward to  working with you as an executive, Chuuya." she said softly.

And he just offered a plain smile but grateful anyways

"I feel the same, Ane-san" after those words he left and didn't look back.

His mind was empty and didn't think about Dazai or the fact that he had left the mafia, during the whole traject.

His heart, however, was beating quickly with some anxiety as he walked down the stairs.

He felt like he was seeing his past before his eyes, memories who were lost for years, were coming back.

The Port Mafia basement.

Chuuya was in front of it.

He was feeling nothing and thinking about nothing.

Dazai had left and he was a traitor.

Okay, that was

fine for Chuuya.

He had always known Dazai's poor loyalty to the Mafia.

That was totally fine with him so... so why was Chuuya looking for someone to talk with... if his departure meant nothing?

He shook his head, dismissing his thoughts as he pushed the door that gave the

access to the basement.

The sound of blades clashing echoed and a voice he hadn't listen in a while - but never forgotten - filled his ears and went straight to his empty heart.

Suddenly the blades stopped and he heard a muttering before the same voice said

"Chuuya, little

brother... what a pleasant surprise..." his voice was melodious as always and it felt like a blessing to Chuuya's emptiness.

He, indeed, had not felt like that in a while.

He walked towards the man he called his brother - then he looked at him, eye to eye.

"Paul Verlaine"

The man he had once wished to kill.
The murderer of his friends.

But also his savior.

As Chuuya walked towards him, he saw his brother's majestic features and his elegance.

Paul Verlaine had a beautiful and calm smile on his lips - it almost made Chuuya's heart break

in pieces, seeing the warmth and adoration writen in those eyes.

Those cold and sharp eyes - the eyes of an assassin, that killed with no hesitation and his hands were filled with blood.

To Chuuya the gesture felt immensely warm - warmth that came from the man who murdered

his friends with brutality.

Chuuya closed his eyes as he sighed - Verlaine immediately noticed something else behind his beloved brother's heart.

He looked like a child, small and fragile who was struggling to admit that they had been responsible for breaking their mother's

vase.

Chuuya's eyes were like two polished jewels but they didn't shine with life - they just were there.

Verlaine sighed, closing his eyes.

"I have a table where we can talk" his voice was soothing and it felt better than any caressing "Walk with me"

And like a lost sheep

Chuuya followed Verlaine to the table.

As they sat down, he noticed the teapot and several cups with the respective dish under each one.

After a while Verlaine glanced at Chuuya.

"Tea?" And Chuuya nodded as he watched the man pouring the liquid into his cup; he did the same

for his cup and then looked at Chuuya "So... what brought you here, little brother?" He paused "Don't get me wrong it's always a delight to see you Chuuya, but you must have something in mind right now.... don't you?" he said as he mixed the sugar with the tea with a spoon.

Chuuya looked down as he sighed.

"I came to you, because you are the only one who can help me" he said and Verlaine's eyes lit up "No one will ever be able to understand me. No one...no one but you... brother." he diverged his attention to the cup as he used his spoon to mix

nothing in special.

The smile he offered was kind.

"Well, then how can I help you dear brother?"

Slowly, Chuuya raised his head and looked inside Verlaine's eyes - deeply and dripping with feelings.

"You said people often lie to illude and to foul other people, right?"

Verlaine, nodded slowly.

"I didn't. Humans are not trustworthy creatures." then he added with a sigh "Every human but Arthur. He was an incredible human being" his smile illustrated the intensive and burning adoration Verlaine felt for his deceased ex-partner.

Chuuya had to

swallow.

"You can't trust no one but your allies.    Your partner included, correct?" his voice was now a bit higher, but still not too high.

His brother, who was sipping his tea, narrowed his eyes, staring at Chuuya silently. Then, he placed the cup on the little dish

as he sighed.

"I see... so this is about that guy... what was even his name?" he pretended to think "Ah it was Dazai-kun, wasn't it?" 

Silence filled the air.

Chuuya took a sip and then proceeded.

"You were right. You were right about thinking about the future and not the

present." Chuuya admitted as Verlaine watched him attentively "What I have today might not exist tomorrow or it might turn out to be a complete lie." he paused "I was foolish to think that something could last forever." a sigh "People come and go, they do whatever they want

and they don't care about the other's feelings."

Verlaine looked at him with an apprehensive expression.

"Humans are treacherous creatures. They can't be trusted" he said softly "I told you before, didn't I?"

Hesitantly, Chuuya nodded.

"You did. But I was too much of a foul

to hear it." he sighed "You were right. I should not give in to my emotions nor should I think about the people who don't give a fuck about my feelings... my emotions..." the tone was significantly sadder and almost disappointed " I shouldn't give in"

Verlaine stared at Chuuya,

silently for a while and then opened his mouth.

"You don't seem very surprised." he commented "Deep down, you knew one day it would happen, right?" he paused and added softly "You just didn't want to think about that possibility, right?"

Chuuya looked away a bit uncomfortable.

seeming to restrain his crying or something else.

"Chuuya... little brother... you know I am right correct?" he smiled "You are in the mafia, but for what? What are you doing here?  Why did you stay? You might have a lot of reasons but what makes you stay here? What is it?"

"I don't know. I... don't know! I don't know what to do!" he buried his head on his arms "What can I do if I leave the Mafia? Nothing! Everything is lost. I have no choice here, Verlaine."

Verlaine could swear that he heard a silent cry, but for his brother 
's sake he pretended

not having heard it.

"It's too late, isn't it? You understand why I said you should never have been born don't you?" Chuuya raised his head and his eyes were slightly shining "Unfortunately this was the life people gave us. We can't defeat nor fight it."

No answer.

"Like a storm. Fate, the end is a storm. We don't know when it will happen but we know for a fact that it will happen" Chuuya looked away "You remember the storm don't you? You can't fight it."

"Then what the hell am I supposed to do?! To kill myself like that bastard wants to?

To lock myself away from everything and everyone like you do? To be a cold murderer like half of the Mafia his? Tell me Verlaine, what should I do?!" he vociferated "I don't know what to do. I know what the future awaits me but I don't know what I should do at the moment" he

slammed a hand on the table "I asked you, because.... because I thought you would understand me." 

"I do Chuuya, I really do" all Verlaine could offer was a smile.

"But you can't do nothing to help me... "he muttered.

"That's right. I can't do anything" he agreed with a nod.

"Should I just... give in and... " he realized he had stood up with the storm of emotions and sat down with a sigh "....be what people expect me to be? The executive the mafia wants?"

"It's your choice little brother, just remember that everything you have today, is temporary."

a kind smile "The storm is certain but you don't know when it will happen. So you won't be able to pack your life before it breaks in"

Chuuya sighed,  a bitter smile appeared.

"Bah, I should have known you would only make things worse" he said a bit disappointed.

"Nonsense.

I am not the one making everything worse. Reality is. Life is. It's not something I can control" he looked at him, very seriously "Only you can. If you want to end your journey, do it. If you want to live in this illusion, temporary and dishonest, you can always do it as well"

"I am not locked up here like you are, Verlaine. I have a job to accomplish and expectations to reach, it's never my choice." he sighed "I am staying here, because I have no choice and... and it's not so bad." Finally he stood up "I will just have to clean that bastard from my

mind and memories. And everything will be fine" he smiled without emotions.

Verlaine smiled understandingly.

"Is that so? Then I wish you the best, little brother" he said, sincerely "You know I am always here to talk"

Chuuya, already on his feet, looked at him almost with an

ironic expression.

"Sure. You won't go anywhere." He turned his heels as he sighed "Because it's soo hard to find someone down here, right?" He laughed a bit and started to walk.

However, one last piece of advice was left.

"Chuuya." the executive stopped walking "Don't

trust people, nor expect something from them." he paused "If you expect the worst from people, whatever they will do won't ever disappoint you."

Silence filled the air and Chuuya's breath was possible to be heard.

Then a dry laugh.

"Well at last a good advice from my older

brother! I am not expecting no one to carry me home or something, so don't worry." he added more bitterly " I can't expect something that I have never experienced." he paused "You and I more than anyone know what loneliness is, right? It has always been like this."

After these

words, Chuuya left the place, without hearing Verlaine's equally bitter laugh.

On that same day, Chuuya thought through Verlaine's words and radical advices.

He was sat down on the wooden table of his house with a wine bottle in front of him.

It was a Petrus 89.

It had been a present from a client that Chuuya had saved for an eventual celebration.

His brother's words about Dazai and about his life, made him sick.

He wanted to forget everything he had told him, it was too much for him, too much, way too much.

Without any

hesitation he opened the bottle and placed his lips against the bottle neck.

He didn't stop, tilting the bottle to make gravity run to wine straight to his throat.

And he was aware of it... for... half of the bottle, after that, Chuuya was not responsible for what it happened

nor what he had felt.

He remembered that the wine's taste was bitter as it was accompanied by such acid thoughts.

His heart was pounding heavily on his chest and then he blacked out.

In the morning when he woke up, he was sleeping on the table.

Few small spots were drawn on

the table's towel.

Chuuya thought those were wine drops.
(and not regretful tears)

From that day on, Nakahara Chuuya and everyone forgot about Dazai Osamu and his betrayal.

Like Chuuya had told Verlaine he would surround himself with work so that his life would gain

some meaning.

And it did.

The compliments, the fame and even the jealousy gave some colour to his life... but only for a while.

But after, that Chuuya would find himself alone, with only consolation papers and reports.

He remembered himself countess times of this

"Nothing lasts forever and everything is temporary. Don't get too close to people, you will never know when they will stab you from the back"

Easier said that done right?

"Yes, I am not surprised" he admitted painfully "I have always known that bastard's loyalty was almost nonexistent and that he was a selfish asshole." he paused after those words and Verlaine looked at him with a cautious expression; Chuuya sighed "But I trusted him.

I trusted my life to him and he... he was my partner. He was always someone that I knew that I could rely on, no matter what. And... I thought this meant something to him... at least like it meant to me..."

Verlaine stayed silent, but his eyes were filled with memories from a

distant past. 

A past that Verlaine had not been aware of and he could only dream how Arthur had felt when he betrayed him.

So that's why he stayed quiet - he had no word in the matter.

"But this was my fault. I didn't think about the future and the possibility of

someone as dishonest as Dazai could leave the organization. Without saying nothing." then he added " And he probably even made fun of me, leaving something behind to annoy me." Chuuya sighed - it was the closest he could do that resembled a cry "So... after what happened... I

decided to think further. I don't want to think about what I am doing at the moment, I don't want people like Dazai to order me around like a sheep dog." his voice was intense and almost emotional; then he added quietly "I want to be responsible for my own actions and thoughts."

Finally Chuuya looked at his brother.

"So I am going to ask you the same question I did before-"

Verlaine didn't have the strength to answer.

"When did I go wrong? Why do these things happen to me?" his voice was restrained, resembling a child who didn't understand the world

"I give everything I have. Take everything. My clothes, my bones, my brain, my power, my emotions... but.... at least let me have some stability in my heart..."  a silent and frustrated tear flew from the corner of his eyes "That solonely is enough for me"

He lifted the cup up

to his lips, as he closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of the liquid.

Verlaine stared a little while at him and then sighed.

"Little brother... people, like you said, are cruel. You saw how did that
 researcher treat you, didn't you?" Verlaine said like he was speaking to

a baby "They are selfish, thirsty for power and they don't bother with everyone else. My partner was not like that, Chuuya." he sighed "I can't say why this happened nor what Dazai-kun was thinking... But..." he smiled gently "I can't bring myself to say that he doesn't care

about you. But you are right that you shouldn't expect anything from people." he said "Chuuya... people will  try to benefit from your weaknesses and use your feelings, that's how humans are. I know it" he smiled bitterly "But sometimes... we should give the benefit of doubt to

people's actions. Dazai-kun certainly had a choice to leave."

Chuuya looked at Verlaine.

"Yes. And I certainly have the right to clean him from my life."

"You do. And you would probably be correct, because that guy doesn't seem like someone you can trust." Verlaine said "But..

" he sighed "You shouldn't expect anything good from people. You saw what your sheep friends did, right?" Chuuya stiffened "You saw how the Mafia has been treating you, manipulating you, didn't you?" Chuuya downed his glance "I have told you before but... this world doesn't

you, little brother. You shouldn't give your all and your life to them: you have no guarantee that they will do the same for you"

There was no answer.

"About thinking further... Well... you can't escape your fate and your existence Chuuya." he leaned back a bit "When you were

16 I gave you a way out and you refused it" he smiled, closing his eyes "And I understand why, but now you have to accept the cruel consequences and this wickedness of this world." his voice was firm and authoritarian; then he softened it "I am here for you, whenever you need"

With this Chuuya was silent.

He remembered Verlaine's words like they were yesterday's, inclusively the speech about destiny and his fate.

And none of them were pleasant nor tranquil.

"The first step to life, is accepting your fate." he explained quietly; he sighed "Chuuya...

there is no happy ending for people like us. Our existence was meant to bring chaos and destruction. When it comes to anything else, we are unqualified for it." he said with an apprehensive tone "Why do you think you are unable to keep a stable relationship? Because you are not

suitable for that. Sure you can temporarily enjoy that feeling, but deep down... you know it won't last... "he raised his glance " am I not right? You knew it would happen with Dazai as well. Like you told me you ignored the future."

Chuuya simply pressed his lips together,

to give Dazai his so wished rest.

Meanwhile the blood covered his body, clothes and his cuts opened further.

The ground was tainted too - after all Dazai was there.

Maybe if he let the blood run, the pain would stop.

He opened his eye, a tear was on the corner of his eye.

The human tear was mixed with the blood from Dazai's body, by the gravity.

It didn't stop.

It wouldn't stop.

So Dazai - feeling his heart beating furiously against his ribcage - stretched one arm to - weakly- reach the blade.

He was going to make that thing stop at once.

He held the blade - it was turned to his chest and its tip cut his clothing.

He sighed - the same sigh he saw the old man giving after his eternal sleep - as he started to dive the metal on his skin...

It hurt.

It hurt but soon it would all be over.

Soon, he would no

longer be part of that cruel and irremediable world.

Soon he would-

"What are you doing?" 

A... a voice?

Was it a voice?

A human voice.

With the strength left he looked towards the sound - he saw a man, a tall and dark man.

"Oh dear. Looks like you are all bloody here",

That voice was soft and gentle - it gave Dazai goosebumps.

A hand covered his own- the man had approached him with a kind expression, Dazai hadn't noticed it - and guided it away from his chest, tossing the blade away.

Towards the move, Dazai could only follow it, like a child

who saw something for the first time.

The man was smiling.

He was smiling.

He hadn't seen a smile for so long...

Tears violently flowed down his cheeks - even his bandaged eye.

Then, he regained the ability to speak as the man's eyes watched him with some unknown emotion.

"Do you need some help?" the kind voice asked - Dazai broke.

"Help me! Help me! I... I don't want to die! It hurts... it hurts so much!" his voice was restrained and the sorrow and desperation traced his letters, syllables, words and sentences.

His face was all wet and his eyes

- both - were burning as his wounds kept cutting his nerves.

It was probably the most human Dazai had even felt.

The man smiled once again - a fateful smile.

"I can help you." he said with a melodious voice as he finally held Dazai's body - blood dyed his clothing.

The tears

continued to flow as he closed his eye.

"Please....just help me....I don't want to die" he didn't want to die after all.

The man stayed silent carrying Dazai as the boy held the white coat with his red hands and rested his forehead against it.

"But you don't want to live

either, am I right?"

Dazai closed his eye with intensity.

"I don't know!" he protested "All I know is that I don't want to feel this.... it's.... it's too much."

As his lips pronounced the last words he passed out.

It was probably due to the blood loss.

Good thing the man

That's what Dazai would learn later, because at that moment his mind was blank and empty.

And his heart is even emptier, as its rhythm slowed down.

He felt his emotions dissipating along with the pain.

He closed his eyes and let the sleep take over him - he was curled against

the man's chest, like a baby would curl against their mother's chest.

It was warm and tranquil, it was everything a half- dead person and soul could desire.

Finally, he passed out - this time completely - as the blood dripped from his little body and the man carried him

towards the deep into that place - away from the rock where he tried to end his life and towards a hopeful light.

Suddenly the white coat was everything that Dazai could see - pure and kind.

He was being saved.

He didn't know exactly how he got there, but when he opened his eye he saw white.

Was he dead?

Then he heard certain sounds and realized they came from his breathing mask.

His eye closed again.

Gentle steps echoed.

"Are you feeling better?" the man - the person who held his blooded hand with no fear and with a certain kindness - looked at him with his hands in his pockets.

He was looking elegant and cautiously at Dazai, who was imobilized.

"Oh! I almost forgot" he smiled a little as he

walked towards Dazai, who tried to tilt his head a little, in his direction.

"What's your name boy?" the man asked.

He just stared at him, not knowing what to do, what to say.

The man looked at him for a while and then took off from his pockets a small notebook

and a pen from the other pocket - he handed them to Dazai who looked weakly towards it.

"Do you know how to write and read?" as an answer Dazai only closed his eye slowly; the man - luckily - seemed to understand. "Then you can write it down here." he said cheerfully but then

he made a serious expression "Or maybe not..." he muttered thoughtfully "Well! In that case you may draw the letters on the bed and I will write it down, alright?"

His hand was, in fact, free of bandages so he could draw the letters with his finger on the bed.

However, he did feel his body aching and his head pulsating, but he was able to move his fingers at least - he confirmed as he started to slowly lift his hand.

The hand felt heavy, like it was made of iron and the simple movements required an extra effort from his arm's muscles

As his finger flew in the air, his uncovered eye followed it with something that resembled curiosity.

An image of his very own fingers covered in a lively red pierced his mind - it took over his notion of his own reality, replacing the white skin with an intense red.

The blurred background behind the finger became dark instead of the soft white from the office's walls.

He held his breath and his movement suddenly stopped. 

The silence around them didn't help either and the miserable echo of the reminder of his own looniness persisted.

Almost involuntarily, the muscles around his eye, twitched - threatening his own tiredness or maybe his anxiety.

The doctor was still before him, staring at the boy, his body leaning slightly towards the bed, so he could write whatever Dazai would present him.

His finger was not red anymore - for a moment, Dazai was uneasy about writing his name on the bed, afraid the red dye would corrupt the surface.

But looking at it, the small tip was not red anymore - he could easily draw the letters.

"Go on" the man nodded towards the bed,

taking the pen from his chest pocket and opening it with a satisfactory sound; then he looked at the boy with an expectant expression - but keeping the same gentleness from before.

It was probably what made Dazai dismissing his memories - those about the corrupted skin of

his arms or about the blood drops - and finally leaned just enough to start to draw the first letter.

The doctor opened a smile and a breath echoed in the air - as the boy's eye closed.

That worked as a motivation for the boy, that felt as if he had been kissed by a

light breeze.

The finger traced a clumsy "D".

His breathing - heavy breathing - was echoing in the background as the man wrote it down.

It was a slow and elegant calligraphy, written with blue ink.

After that, the man looked at Dazai with a light hum.

The boy, obviously,

didn't answer.

"Go on" the doctor said softly.

So that's what Dazai did, as he saw his name appearing in the notebook's white page.

The other's lips were pressed against each other as his purple eyes hovered over the page - Dazai lay down again as he felt his arm

aching in pain, with a silent restrained sound.

The notebook was lifted and it was placed in front of the man's face - it stayed there for a while, as if he was expecting something to come out of the page.

Dazai didn't talk as he closed his eye with a soft sigh.

The previous accumulated tension left his body as he placed his hand on his thigh.

It took a while before the man said anything.

"Dazai.... you are...." he lowered the notebook a bit, just enough to look directly into the boy's only eye; then he added "Dazai..."

Then a small smile.

It was small, yet so gentle that it felt like a blessing or even a kiss.

The notebook was closed and placed on the small desk next to the bed - the pen was placed inside the man's chest pocket.

All Dazai could do was watching the other, with a plain

expression on his face - but it was more of a childish curiosity than anything.

Then the man leaned forward and closer to Dazai, with a smile.

"So... Dazai... what do you remember from... " he waved a hand around "... the accident?"

The preferable answer would be "nothing"